Parents are Just People – How to be Braver

“Mrs **** has asked if you can call her.”
After 30+ years, this sentence still puts me on alert.

Dealing with difficult parents has got to be one of the major migraine generators for every teacher. Sadly it is also one of the main reasons many are leaving our profession.

I once had a posse of dance mums hunting me down. No offence intended to all the awesome dance mums out there, but when you guys are angry, you’re terrifying! I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was a hot mess.

I have personally taught nearly 1000 students. That is a lot of parent teacher interviews, report cards, phone calls and incidental conversations.

Here’s the good news:

I can confidently say that most of the parents I’ve encountered are great.

Because…… Parents are just people.

However:
If you ask anyone – “Why do you think parents of school children can be so irrational?”
No one will respond with – “What on Earth are you talking about?”
Everyone knows that parents have the potential to be totally off the chart when it comes to their own kids and school.

I know firsthand about this lunacy because I too am a parent. When it comes to the wellbeing of my own kids, I have not always radiated “zen”vibes.

Parenting can be rough.
These are some of the crazy triggers that your trickiest parents might be battling with:

* Terror – Fear of judgement, fear of failure, fear of completely stuffing up the human life they have been given responsibility for. Fear is an emotion that unites almost every parent. When their kid is struggling in any way, they can freak out.

* Oh No Not Again – It is easy to project their own experiences onto their child. If they were bullied or misunderstood at school, they are on high alert. A tiny sniff that something similar might happen to their kid, and they are ready to fight.

* Embarrassement- Hearing anything negative about your own kid can be a struggle. Subconsciously, many people tie their own identity to their child. It is hard to be objective or take on criticism because it is now personal. If their child is unhappy, so are they.

* Mama/Papa Bear – The instinct to protect their kid overrides every other instinct. All rational behaviour can disappear in the blink of an eye.

* FOMO – We live in an age of information. Previously, this parent has known every detail of their child’s life. They now must rely on the communication skills of their exhausted Mini Me at the end of a busy day. If there is a problem of any sort, I guarantee they haven’t heard the full story.

* Life is Messy – Everyone has hard stuff going on for them. Some of our parents are carrying huge burdens. School may be the place they have chosen to release the internal pressure that is building up.

Despite all of this, most parents are supportive of their child’s teacher and are trying to do the best they can. They tame their wild emotions and behave respectfully.

If difficult parents are eroding your happiness at work – deliberately look for the awesome ones. Because they are everywhere. They are not usually the loudest or the most opinionated. But they are there, and they are on your side!

People are amazing, sometimes they are tricky…
Parents are just people.

If you want some ideas that might help avoid drama – Read On…
Feel free to share any other tips for us all in the comments below.

* Positive Whenever Possible – Call parents with good news. Tell them when something great has happened.

* Know Their Kid Well – Talk to them about their child’s personality, interests and strengths. They will be so encouraged to see that you really know their kid.

* Empathise – Validate how they are feeling (even if you don’t agree with what they are saying or how they are saying it). Tell them you understand their concerns and are taking them seriously. Genuine reassurance can help to calm things down.

* Stay Calm – Speak gently and politely. As they escalate their energy, decrease yours.

* Be An Ally – Use language that lets them know you are all on the same team with the same goal. You are both looking for a positive outcome for their child and will be working together to ensure they achieve success.

* Deal with Things Quickly – Be on the front foot. If something happens at school, be the one who tells them about it first. Make the phone call that you don’t want to make. Otherwise they will only hear the Mini Me version, which is rarely accurate.

* No Surprises – If there is a negative on a report (grade, social comment), make sure they know about it beforehand. Discussing the issue calmly and early on, shows parents that you have noticed a problem and are looking for ways to provide support.

* Prepare – Have a few notes written down to clarify what you need to say. I have written out a whole script for myself in the past when I’e been super nervous.

* Be Direct – Don’t fluff around. Honest, direct (yet tactful and polite) is the best approach.

* Listen – Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Let them know they have been heard, and you are taking them seriously. Allow them to vent and say whatever they need to say.

* Be Hard to Offend – You don’t have to win. You don’t need to react to everything. Once they have got it all out of their system, they are often ready to listen. They sometimes even apologise.

* Be Quiet – The more you talk the more the situation can flare up or go around in circles. Keep to the main point. Don’t allow the conversation to go off on separate tangents.

* Future Plans – Offer a way forward. Let them know how you plan to manage the situation. Offer them a follow up call to touch base and see where things are at.

* Finish Well – Thank them for their time.

* Boundaries – It is perfectly within your right to end a conversation or interaction that has become disrespectful.
Say something like – “I want to support (child’s name) but I also need our conversation to be respectful. I’m going to stop here, and I will be in touch to organise a time for us to continue.”

* Get Help – If you feel nervous at all, it’s a great idea to have a supervisor or mentor with you.

* Don’t Overcommunicate The Bad Stuff – Unless it is for a serious incident, don’t call them over and over to say something negative. We all need more positives than negatives. If there is an issue you are concerned about, make the first call. After that, document future occasions or evidence of incidents that occur. When you do call them again, you have patterns to discuss, and a plan to help.

* Documentation – Your school should have a documentation process. It is a good idea to also have your own system. I use Microsoft Notebook because it is simple, and I can access it immediately from any device. Keep a brief record of the main points discussed.

Finally – Never put up with any kind of abusive behaviour. Report any concerns to your principal immediately.

Some people are just going to be upset no matter what you do. That’s ok. It’s not your job to make them happy.

The only person’s happiness you can truly control – is your own!

Do you have any other helpful tips for us?
Please share them below!